The Boating Queen

Oh come ON, Jess, you are the actual WORST! I can’t exactly say that she’s lying because the pics are all over Visage-Tome of her private cruise, but she’s acting like it’s her daddy’s private boat and it totally isn’t. She hasn’t said that it is, but it’s what she wants everyone to think, unless brave people like me tell them that Jess actually won the cruise tickets in a radio competition. Wow, Jess. You managed to name every 90s boy band members in under fifteen seconds. You’re so COOL. It was a week-long cruise, and after coming back Jess is suddenly the Mistress of the Whole Ocean or whatever.

“Oh my gosh, just got back from Melbourne, outboard motor servicing there is the best.” – Jess

She actually posted that, in front of the docks. You don’t even OWN a boat, Jess, and I bet you couldn’t point to the outboard motor if your life depended on it, or if a member of a boy band walked through the door and said “Jess, I’ll go on a date with you if you can tell me how an outboard motor works, or even what one of them looks like.” That would totally break her. It’d be totally funny.

But I’m nice. I’m a nice person. Jess gets the benefit of the doubt, for now, and I’m gonna say it’s like a phase or whatever. She’s not part of my friendship group, so I don’t have to LISTEN to it, just scroll past it in Visage-Tome.

For real though, if she keeps pretending she’s some cool boat person, I’m going to get get mad. Ask where to find the best anchor winches Melbourne boat owners recommend. Casually ask if she won another free cruise from a tacky radio show that I SHOULD’VE WON. Those tickets were mine.